Practical Advice for New Parents
on Marriage and Romance

Take this advice for new parents: a strong marriage builds strong children. Your marriage is the foundation of your family. If it is neglected, everything will crumble away. Here are some easy suggestions on how to keep your thumb on the heartbeat of your family, i.e. your marriage.

After nearly ten years together, I'm happy to admit that I love being married to my husband. There is no other man in the world I'd rather be with. He is my best friend and my most trusted confidant (and vice versa). What a sweet blessing marriage is to us, and to our children.

As wonderful as my marriage is, it's not without its valleys. Late-night arguments, slammed doors, unkind words...they haunt our home as surely as they haunt yours. Add a newborn baby with demands, nights with little to no sleep, and financial pressures of a growing family, and you have a recipe for conflict.

The best advice for new parents I can give you is this: romance has to happen in the cracks of every-day life. And perhaps, because it's in those cracks, it seems even more romantic! There's no space for status quo. The smallest suggestion of romance to an exhausted spouse will be as exciting as dinner and dancing used to be.

Advice for New Parents: The Heart of Romance

Before we dive into the deep end, it is important to establish what true romance really is. Don't satisfaction yourself with crackers when a whole feast is on the table! Deep love and romance is more than just flowers and sex.

Any "romantic" advice for new parents that focuses merely on bubble baths and lingerie should be ignored. Without a deeper emotional connection and understanding, those marriage tips will eventually feel empty and bitter.

The old-people-holding-hands kind of marriage is based on humble service and a tender care for each other that develops into an unbreakable bond of emotional intimacy.

That kind of intimacy doesn't come from thinking and serving only your needs.

It comes from thoughtfully considering the needs of your spouse, and vice versa.
It comes from daily forgiveness for the little (and big) things.
It comes from graceful speech that isn't quick to criticise and tear down, but is focused on building up.
It comes from honest communication about problems and an effort to, together, work through the solutions.

Side Note: I personally believe that the kind of forgiveness and help necessary for a strong marriage comes only through the Holy Spirit's work in my life, a gift of God because of my acceptance of Christ's sacrifice. You can read more about Cameron and my search for truth and knowledge here. I am not a gracious person, but through Christ I can, happily, behave graciously.

Advice for New Parents: Your Daily Do's

Here are some simple things you can do every day to build your emotional intimacy and strengthen your relationship for the inevitable storms to come.

Give 5-minute kisses.
Communicate with tenderness.
Hit the "Snooze" and cuddle.
Pray together.
Listen first, speak later.

Advice for New Parents: Date Your Spouse

Continuing to "date your spouse" is vital advice for new parents in keeping the spark alive and intimacy high. Your new baby is another person in the home, so you (and your spouse's) attention will be split. As wonderful as children are, there's a reason the divorce rate jumps up at the 25-year mark. Parents have an empty nest and don't know what to do with it!

By setting up a "date night" every 4-6 weeks, you are making time for the life-blood of your happy home: your marriage.

Side Note: In addition to "date nights", one night of the week Cameron and I have couch-time in the evening. This is where we sit on the couch together, drinking coffee, tea, cocoa, or (in Cameron's case) a beer. We talk about the upcoming schedule, parenting issues, money, or anything else. These weekly meetings ensure our monthly dates can be spent on having fun.

In the early months of parenting you may wish to hunker down and stay at home for your date night. The "where" is not as important as the "when". Plan ahead, make his favorite dish (not the one you think is good for him), and choose a favorite movie or play a fun game together.

As your baby grows older, getting out of the house will prove to be more important.

Selecting a Good Babysitter

If you have parents or siblings in your area, sign them up to come over and watch the children for a few hours. However, if you're like me and don't have family within mooching distance, you still have some good childcare options available.

Ask another couple to swap nights with you. You watch their children for an evening or afternoon, and then they do the same for you.
Hire a sitter or nanny from a service provider. SitterCity or Care.com can give you local babysitters, their references, and reviews by other parents. Both sites are excellent places to find a babysitter or nanny. In fact, SitterCity is running a current offer for $10 off registration with code SCSAVE10.

To Spend, or Not to Spend?

Don't waste the date night on just another movie (unless it's a REALLY good movie you both want to see!). Your time together is precious! Don't waste it on crummy outings. Each date should...

make a memory
provide an opportunity for you to connect, and
give you plenty of laughs

You don't have to spend money for those things to happen. What about a game-night with other couples? Or is there a trail you can hike?

Get creative about finding fun ways to spend time together. Go bowling, putt-putt golfing, ice-skating, or just out for a nice dinner.

The point is to get away and spend meaningful time together. Do things that build memories. Each happy memory is another cord tying you together.

When the evening is over (and hopefully the sitter has put the kids to bed), transition to sweet physical intimacy by bathing together or sharing massages. The morning cuddle-time will be even more meaningful after an evening of making love!

Advice for New Parents The Element of Surprise

Nothing adds excitement to a marriage like little surprises. Hidden notes of love, scavenger hunts for little gifts, secret trips, all these things will keep your spouse on his toes!

Does your man love baseball? Get tickets! A love for the theatre? Book some seats! Even if it isn't your favorite thing to do, your spouse will appreciate your desire to participate in his favorite things!

Set up a friendly competition to see who can "out-surprise" the other. It's these little things that make a relationship fresh and fun over the years.

Advice for New Parents: A Yearly Get-Away

Another practical, yet tremendously helpful piece of advice for new parents is the idea of a yearly retreat. Every year schedule a weekend away to concentrate on your marriage. It doesn't have to be on your anniversary. We were married in July, but we always take our trip in October. Not only is it cheaper, but we find that we need the break more in October, than we do in July! Just pick a weekend and stick with it!

{Photo by hawk684}

Up the romance by staying in a bed and breakfast instead of a hotel chain. When you factor in the cost having to purchase breakfast in the morning, they are just as reasonable as a cold, unromantic hotel room. The breakfasts are gourmet, served on china and in a elegant setting. Compare that to ihop or Denny's!

The largest directory for romantic bed and breakfasts (worldwide) is at BedandBreakfast.com. They have pictures and links to individual websites that will help you plan your weekend get-away down to the golfing tees.

Besides the fun and intimate activities, Cameron and I set time aside that weekend to look back over the past year and discuss how our marriage really is. Are their feelings left unexplored? Is there forgiveness to be extended? Is there advice to be asked?

It's always a sweet time of coming together to talk about all the things in our lives we always want to talk about, but never seem to have the time.

We also talk about the future year coming up and how we can prepare for it. I share my personal goals, and he shares his, so that we can pray and encourage one another in meeting them.

I look forward to that time every year. Sometimes it looks like a big trip with time to read in the car, sometimes its a B&B 20 minutes from our home.

No matter where it is, this yearly retreat feeds our growing intimacy and builds a strong wall around our marriage for storms coming in the days, months, and years ahead.

Many people forget, when searching for basic advice for new parents, that, as parents, your relationship will require a little more work than it has in the past. "Creeping separateness" can slowly grow into the cracks of a good marriage.

Do yourself a favor, and add these things now, when your children are still in the cradle. So that when they fly the coop, your "empty" nest, will still be your "love" nest.